I clenched my cup of coffee hard with both hands in hopes that my hands will stop shaking, and I take a look at the time on my phone. 9:03
“Breath Miguel, remember you wanted this”, I tell myself wishing my nerves would calm down. You see, although it’s autumn and it’s chilly, I am not shaking because I’m cold. I’m shaking because anytime now, He should be walking through the doors of the coffee shop. He, the one that stole my heart, He who broke it into a million pieces… He my first love. I look down at my phone again, 9:04. What? It feels like I have been waiting for an hour. But it’s my fault for wanting to show up early to order my coffee and find a spot where I would feel comfortable. I wanted to find a place in the café where I could feel like I had home advantage.
I looked up and there he was, all 5 feet and 10 inches of him. Besides his wild crazy longer hair that he wore now, everything about him looked the same including that charmingly devious smile. A smile that lit up the room. He walked over dropped his messenger bag on the stool next to me and gave me a hug and then went to go order his drink.
For an hour we caught up talking about our family, where we were in life and some funny memories we experienced. And then with a pat on the back he asked “So are you dating anyone?” The question took me but surprise but I remembered how bold he was, almost without a filter. Out of panic I did what I do best and made a joke out of it,
“Nope, single for life. Just being a strong independent woman”.
“Really? Me too”.
“So I heard”.
He was confused on how I knew and I explained to him how an old coworker of mine had met him at a birthday dinner. While they were talking my name came and once they found that connection they talked up a storm, leading to the discussion of the recent brake up with his boyfriend. “Well… I guess new travels fast.”
I looked away for a moment just because my head started to produce hundreds of questions, at a million miles per hour. Why the interest in wanting to know if I was dating? What did the pat in the back mean? Why would he tell me that he was single too? Did he think it was worth cheating on me with him? Why did they break up?
“DO NOT over think it”, I told myself. Although I desperately want to know all those answers I didn’t ask any of them, especially that last one. I don’t know how long I looked away for but when I turned around he gave me a look and asked, “What”?
“Nothing” and I gave him a cheesy smile.
Often times when I date, I will compare guys to him. In fact I used to compare Jesse a lot to Dom because they were complete opposites, besides the fact that they are complete white washed Mexicans. Even more that I am. Shamefully, I will admit I’ll most likely continue to compare any guy to him. Because I do so, my friends will ask me, if given the chance would I get back together with him? My answer is simple: No. We dated five years ago. We are both two different people than what we were back then. He had just turned 21 and I was 23. He still had growing up to do and I was in that weird limbo space feeling. I was sheltered and naïve, not having experience love. Although I will always love Dom… he is a different person today than the person whom I fell in love with. Even the fact that the person whom I fell in love with, would have of never cheated on me. After Dom and Jesse, I know what I want, need, and deserve. We’re two different people, or so I think.
The truth is, he still lights up my world. He still makes me laugh with all the things he says. He is still the person that will ask you how your day is going and will genuinely want to know. He still is an adventure seeker, wanting to know about the world around him. He still orders his coffee black… just like he used to when we were together.
We talked for a few more minutes then I needed to meet up with my parents and he needed to get to work. He walked me out and we gave each other another hug. There was no “Call me” or “I’ll text you” just a smile and a sweet “Bye”. I’m sincerely okay with that. Although I have all these new questions floating, that is who I am: Always wanting answers so I can see black and white. Always getting myself into these awkward weird situations by knocking on doors that probably should be left alone but always end up learning something. I am the same person that gets lost in my own thoughts that don’t make sense. Does that make sense? Two… ten years for now, whether I am happily married with children or still single traveling the world, I not be in love him but I will always love him. Not because he was my first love, but because some things never change.
Your Geek In Chic