Autumn, it would be a little bit of an understatement if I told you that it’s my favorite part of the year. The colors, the scarves, the adventures in pumpkin patches, the hot coco, I’m in love with it all. With Fall, comes the cooler weather and today it’s making it really difficult to make it out of bed. Five more Minutes, I tell myself, but I know that I will be here much longer than that.
A few weeks ago I had gone back home to visit my family. Normally when I go back, I stay in my sister’s room so we can catch up and watch movies. This time, by the second film started playing Samantha was out. 2:30 a.m rolled around and I was still wide awake, not sleepy at all. It didn’t help that the room was too hot so I tossed and turned even more. I needed out. I grabbed my pillow and blanket, and headed towards the living room. Once I got there I noticed that Mom was sleeping on the couch. I wondered what she was doing out there, but I covered her with my blanket and sat on the floor next to her.
My Mother, so beautiful, strong and inspiring, she has been my biggest hero. I looked at her and could see the light wrinkles she has gotten over the years. The very wrinkles that told the stories of her joys, struggles, laughs, tears, and accomplishments. “Silly Mom what are you doing out here?” And then it hit me that Papa wasn’t home yet.
For the last four years, Papa has been working in the mines and this week he was working nights. I looked at Mom once more and laughed to myself “Well I guess the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree after all.”
I though about how after Jesse and I broke up, I wasn’t able… I couldn’t sleep in my bed. For three whole months I slept on the couch because I couldn’t deal with the pain of not having him there right next to me. I would turn over expecting to see his resting face, instead I found an empty space… a pillow that had been untouched. It was weird but on the couch I didn’t feel lonely… as empty as Jesse’s side of the bed was.While I could no longer be in Jesse’s arms, I was cuddled by my couch.
Every so often when I watch a movie and pass out, or when I come home tipsy and the first place I go to is the couch and then wake up to find myself sleeping on my beg again.. I wondered how for three months, I was afraid to do that. Now seeing my Mom a woman that is sooo independent on the couch, I realize that it is better to be sleeping alone congested than sleeping with the enemy…Emptiness.
Emptiness has a way of making you believe that you are more alone than you really are even in a place where you can all home. Emptiness is a great enemy, but after 11 months of being single I can pretty much say I have conquered it. I just have to make sure that I sleep right in the middle of the bed. I’m Kidding. It is nice though, to not have to cry or think about THAT person when you’re in bed.
I will not lie to you and tell you that the only thing Jesse left empty is his side of the bed. He left a large part of my heart empty… but I think I did that for him as well. I believe however that we have both learned to fill that emptiness with the love of friends and family,new adventures we experience in our lives. I think that if my heart was still empty I would not be able to forgive and laugh as I do now.
Thanks Mom, for showing me how to be strong and how to forgive. Thank you for giving me one of the biggest lessons in life without meaning to… not allowing myself to be consumed in my heart… or in bed by emptiness.
Your Geek in Chic