Breaking Your Own Heart.

I’ve felt this before, this heart wrenching, nauseous, balls so far up your throat you can’t breath feeling. Never is a thousand years did I think I would be living this again, never in a million years did I think I would be responsible for this.

I’ve lost him, I fucked up and lost him. Just when everything was going right, I did what I do best, I sabotaged something so grand in the fear that I was going to get hurt. I wish I could say that fear was a good justification for what I did, but I can’t.  I wonder “When will I just let things be? When will I let things take their own coarse naturally, instead of beating things to the punch?

I’m sitting here looking at my empty glass of wine, and I can’t stop laughing. Is this what my life has come down to? Is my life like an empty glass of wine? I remember it being full and then all of a sudden I’m drinking the last drop. Is every relationship like that? You have something so rich, fulfilling, joyous and then it’s gone. Sure I can always get another bottle, sure it “might” be just as delicious as the last, but I will never get back what I experienced with the last.

The things I would give up to have those moments back. At this point my laughter has turned into hysterical plea for him to come back. No matter how hard I cry, or yell, the house remains silent and still. He is not coming back.

While my tears are fogging up my vision, my mind races back to those memories;

The first time met him and saw his smile from across the bridge.

The time I had left my cell phone in a cab and we raced 3 blocks in to get my phone back, in San Francisco out of all places.

Our First kiss, and how I fell asleep in his arms right afterwards.

The moment right before I met his mom for the first time and how he made me feel safe and secure.

How he would rock me to sleep by rubbing my back.

The smile that lit up the room.

The first time he said “I love you”.
I often ask myself, how can someone give up on a relationship with all those beautiful memories? Reality then comes and slaps me in the face, “How could YOU hurt someone that gave you all those memories? You saw a future with this man, and you did actions that would seem like your future did not matter… like HE didn’t matter!” Which bring me to this;

It’s been a month since the break up, and while I still feel the pain and emptiness, he had been in pain for much longer. He knew all along and dealt with the betrayal. Behind all the pain, he was still able to tell me he loved me, and create a smile on my face every day. I never questioned a syllable.  He did that for me, for my well being. How do I go on after that? How do I continue to go on laughing and getting all this support from my friends without feeling guilty and shitty about myself because I don’t deserve it.

I love my friends, they are my family. As you do with family, you always want them to see you at your best, however I am tired of pretending. The smiles and the laugh, the stories of how I kept myself busy to keep myself thinking about him and the whole situation it’s getting old. At the end of the day when I get home, that is what has drained me… the pretending. I am tired of breaking my own heart.

With my glass and wine bottle now both empty, my hands search for something to hold onto. Shorty, I find myself swiping through old photos… there it is. A picture of an old couple having dinner on the top of their car. I took it on our first road trip. Regardless of how early we saw this in our relationship, I knew I was suppose to experience something of the sort with him. We never got the chance to have dinner on the roof of our car, but my heart rest on the night when we were dancing to Frank Sinatra on the beach pier right underneath the stars.

 

From breaking my own heart, one the biggest challenges will be to break away from this familiar road. The biggest and grandest… will be to forgive myself, even when this mistake might be the biggest one to date. There is nothing in this world that I want than to have him back, but as the saying goes “Don’t cry because he is gone, smile because it happened.

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My Best Friends Wedding.

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I can’t begin to explain how honored I feel to be part of their love story and be my best friend’s bestman. Cheers to the start of a greater chapter in their lives. — Geek in Chic

First off I’d like to apologize to everyone, in most weddings the bestman’s speech is supposed to be funny, full of wit and laughter, well that won’t be the case for mine. If you know me, you will know that I am the most emotional, sentimental, biggest crybaby ever.

To be honest I’m still very highly confused on why Lucas chose me to be his best man. I think he just wanted to laugh at someone with a very squeaky high pitched voice. But that’s what’s cool about Lucas, what you see is what you get. My dear good friend over here is caring, loyal, a good listener, but overall the biggest asshole. I kid you not he has made every person from our group of friends cry at one point or another and he has absolutely no shame in that.

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I want to say that I lucked out. Usually when you are part of the wedding party you are there because you happen to be friends with the bride or groom. Both of these wonderful people happen to be two of my best friends. So I don’t know who to be more concerned for Lucas because he got married to the crazy cat lady or Ashley for digging up someone out of the grave. Just kidding. I lucked out because in both of these two being my friends, I got to witness their love story form both sides, the bad, the good, EVERYTHING. I remember one night, we might have only been friends for about 4/5 months and we were out and about at some bar. Ashley and the girls needed to go to the bathroom, so Lucas and I stayed back to hold back the fort. As they were walking away he turns and looks at me and says “Miguel, I love her.” I didn’t know if he was telling me this because he wanted my approval, or because he was that drunk, regardless though, I knew that Lucas was going to be around for a while if not the long run. Thankfully we got him for the long run, and I couldn’t be any more happier.

When Ashley started dating Lucas, I didn’t gain another friend, I got an older brother. When you have brother you get to learn from one another, So Lucas I want to thank you.I want to thank you for teaching me what it means to love. I want to thank you for teaching me how to make someone feel loved. We all know the Ashley is such a beautiful, gorgeous girl, but I see the way your face illuminates as soon as she walks into a room and you look at her as if she was the only one in there. It’s a look that has passion, joy, adventure, commitment. It’s a look that says, “how is the world did I get so lucky to have you be my partner and my best friend for life.

ash luI see the way you make her laugh, the way you make her feel safe and protected; I see the way you make her feel loved. I don’t necessarily need to be one of her best friends to see that, anybody can because your love towards each other is that big. I’ve seen your love overcome obstacles, and that is a relationship worth admiring.Lucas you are the reason why I’ve learned not to settle and love with my all. To find a partner that challenges me but supports me with all my flaws.

Ashley Lucas, thank you for letting me, and everyone here be part of your guy’s journey. And continue to witness your love grow even more. I love you both!

Forever Young.

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Dear Future Self,

I am not writing this letter to boost your ego, nor is it a letter written out of spontaneity. This letter is for you, for when times get too rough and you feel alone. You and I both know that you tend to hold a lot in, both the good and the bad. You believe that it is better to shut up than for people to think you are wrong, no matter how open minded you are. You believe it is better to be quiet than for people to think you are stupid for finding something amusing. You believe it is better to stay silent, than to have your thoughts misunderstood. While you may think that your loved ones will love you if you continue to think and act this way, you are mistaken. If anything, you should know by now that they love you for you, regardless of who you think you are hiding.

Today I turn twenty-s… I mean 22. Even though you are dreading the age you are turning, the smile on our face radiates the room, I see my reflection in my boyfriends eyes as he whispers, “Happy Birthday”. This morning I woke up with pride, love, courage, but most importantly happiness. This is the very feelings I want you to remember. I want you to remember this date in specific because well, the future is unpredictable. The future that I see maybe isn’t the future that you are standing in. Things change in a matter of seconds, the feeling we felt today, that will never change.

The truth is, we have been through a lot, but above everything we still have managed to keep loving. Think about it, how many times have you written of love. Whether it may be from a lover, friend, or a family member. Love is something that has always kept on going, Never forget that you heart is golden and it is capable of so much.BALLONS

Since the day He left, the moment that you asked Him “Why did you fall in love with me?” has been engraved in you. He looked at you straight in the eye as he was breaking your heart and told you, “Because you have had the biggest heart that I have ever known. Your ability to care for those around you is immense.”  It was not our looks, our position at work.” It was our heart. I wont lie, it was the biggest slap in the face at the moment, but I have come to look back and it literally have been the greatest compliment. Regardless of the cosmetic products or surgeries, we all get old, saggy, wrinkly, and sometimes ugly. But the one this that remains is your beautiful heart. Now you have your boyfriend, who makes you smile from ear to ear, and makes you be as silly as you want without being judged. This love that you feel with him, is incomparable. His hold that makes you feel so high, doesn’t hold just your body and looks, but your soul. The person you are.

For a while, the feeling of not being able to fit in anywhere was ever lasting. Something was wrong, something was missing, but even though you never felt like you fit, you were still able to make friends that in different groups that people wouldn’t normally. Again, your willingness to accept others and make them feel loved has made YOU a great unforgettable friend to them. Your friends now at 26, they have been your most steady. As you got older you have been more appreciative of the friends you have. Oh man, the memories with this people have been breathtaking. The feeling of being loved by a group of people who have no ties but consider one another family, those are moments to live for. Those are moments to remember.

Lastly, don’t ever forget the love and support you have received from your family over the years. No matter how mad they might make you, at the end of the day, they are they people that will always be there. The unexpected hugs from your father, the conversations with your mother, the laughs with your brother, and the secrets with your sister. Family is precious, and they themselves see the great young man you have grown up to be.

I would say never change, but you have to in order to keep growing. May your heart stay humble, and true to yourself. Don’t be afraid to speak you mind, for your mind is what has gotten you this far. Remember that you should treasure the bad times as well as the good, and that there is a lesson in everything. Cherish the laughs with loved ones. And lastly don’t forget to ALWAYS love yourself. Happy Birthday Miguel, from wherever you are today.

Your Geek in Chic Self,

Miguel

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The Way He looks at Me

the way he looks at me.

“You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”
Kathryn Stockett, The Help      

5:30 am, I still have half and hour before the alarm goes off. Regardless of how early it is, I feel well rested and at peace, which is weird because I have not woken up in my own home. I turn over expecting him to be asleep and there is, eyes wide open.

“Good morning beautiful.” He says with a smile. He wraps his arm around me and snuggles me closer against him. I bite down on my tongue just to make sure I’m not dreaming.

FUCK!, that hurt, and now I look like a total idiot. I should have just pinched myself instread. Wait did he just call me beautiful?!

I have never been the kind of person to think that I am ugly by any means. At the same time, I have never seen myself as sexy, gorgeous, let alone beautiful. Frankly, I’m your goofy, big hearted, approachable Average Joe. I remember though, how long it took me to even get me to think this way about myself. After “The Ex” left, the little self esteem that I had, had completely vanished. I blamed myself for everything that happened. I blamed myself for not being enough to make him look for more elsewhere. My biggest insecurity was if I wasn’t enough for a person who told me everyday that they loved me, then I couldn’t possibly be enough for anybody else.

I remember laughing when people would say, “Imma do/ focus on me.” when they were going though a break up. These people must be really dependent. It wasn’t until He left, that I realize that I had really let myself get lost and that I really did need to focus on myself. Relationships are all about working together as a team, compromising, fighting side by side. The dreams you had for yourself slowly start molding into ones that are to better you and your partner.  I had taught myself to be strong willed, independent, light hearted for two, and when I was suppose to fend for my own, I no longer knew how to function. I needed time to figure out what I needed, what I wanted, what I deserved. Above everything I needed to love myself.

2 Years, later, a lot of self doubt, a few guys who have taught me a lot, I lay in bed with this amazing man, who has turned my would upside down. This is a man who when he calls me beautiful, I honestly believe him. I no longer laugh when I am being called sexy or even beautiful because I feel like are saying complete bull$#!t. I have gotten the courage to let me love myself so He is able to. This man, looks at me and his smile is about the most memorizing thing I have ever seen, and he smiles because he is with me.

I know this is what most people call puppy love, or the honeymoon stage, but I know that the feeling that I get when he looks at me is real.

Until Next Time,                                                                                                                                                                               Your Geek In Chic

In the Nick of Time

time 2You never meet anyone at the wrong time because the right people are timeless.

— Cainfitness

It ‘s a little past midnight when I find myself sitting across my best friend at our favorite pub bar, trying to sober up with water and french fries. With one too many drinks, we are in a heated discussion about sex, love and our exes. Just as I’m about to reach for another fry, it dawns me that the one thing that all of these things have in common… is time.

People say that there is always a right time and a right place for everything. While I may agree with that statement 100%, I still can’t help but to think that Time is a total B!*$# with a capital B.

I take a look at my (somewhat) love life and think about the guys that I have dated. I am lucky to say that half of these guys have been wonderful and I have remained friends with them. Because we have kept in touch, I have been able to watch these guys grow into being even more amazing men. I have also been able to witness these men get new partners, which is not only crushing to my ego, but it makes me feel like the guy in “Good Luck Chuck”, cursed to be the guy to date RIGHT BEFORE they meet The One.

What is it about me that they choose other guys to settle down with? Here I am, a hopeless romantic, good headed, nurturing, charismatic, good looking guy with a big heart, who’s wanted a family since 19 and yet I at the one that is still single! I honestly don’t how I am not more jaded at by now.

I had a boyfriend once tell me as we were breaking up that, I was what he needed at the time. I think about that statement and I can’t help but to become angry because it makes feel used. I totally understand that your experiences are all stepping stones to become the person that you want to be, blah blah blah, but why do you feel you have the right in sacrificing my heart to get there? What was it exactly that he needed. Did he need someone to be not so needy? Did he need someone to make him feel loved? Did he need someone just to have sex with (there’s grinder for that)?  What about my needs. Maybe all I needed was MORE TIME!

The truth about time is that it’s precious, so you have to nurture it to get the best out of it while you can, ‘cause after all, everything unfortunately has an expiration date.

In a conversation of sex, love and exes, time is everything. When is it right to have sex for the first time with someone you have been dating (or haven’t been)? Is your heart ready to love someone after your walls have been built up? How long will it take to let an ex go? And my final question, when will it be my time?

‘Till Next TIME  your Geek in Chic,

Time

Note: The quote above, is from an amazing blogger you guys need to check out. I catch myself re-reading his post just because I can relate to them a lot.

 

He’s Just Lonely

What is it about us wanting what we can’t have? Is it the chase, the challenge? What’s the obsession with wanting to have the out-of-our-league-guy, wanting more money, more time? It seems like it’s always more, more, more. I have tried to figure out the answer for what seems like forever, and I still have not come up with a logical answer.

I have wanted it all, the love, passion, honesty, the perfect guy. Just when I think I’m about to reach it, it always get gets pulled away 10 inches from my finger tips. So I ask myself, How much more until I learn my lesson? How many more times do I have to go through this shit before I can finally yell, ENOUGH?!? Will giving up make me a jaded person? Lately I felt like I’m just setting myself up for failure, so it’s hard not to think those questions. I certainly don’t enjoy getting hurt, so why do I always go after the unobtainable? One of my biggest fears is being alone, so shouldn’t I be okay with settling and not wanting to see if the grass is indeed greener on the other side?

With all these question in my head, I had do vent to my best friend. Being my best friend she’s always had the ability to listen until I’ve let it all out, nod her head, and then share with me her thoughts. This time though, she whipped out her phone and said, “Listen to this song.”

I tried to look at Anna but all I could see was a blurry silhouette. She is no stranger to seeing me cry, but I did what I thought would disguise it, I started to just laugh. It was a nervous laugh, but at least it was better than seeing me cry again. The song had hit home. To my surprise she started to laugh as well.

It’s like the song to our life.” She said.

I have been trying to date this guy, and because of insecurities and personal schedules, we just let each other go. I should be upset, I should be devastated, but as the song says, I’m not a stranger to the leaving, I have heard the best good byes. I then thought to myself. Wait, but there is a difference, I haven’t been in love in a LONG time ,therefor the song can’t be my life.

“Miguel, this song reminds my of you because you don’t settle. You would rather be lonely then to be with someone that doesn’t have a special place in your heart regardless of how great they treat you, you value love. Not only do you have a big heart, but you have an honest heart.” Everything made sense,  I have been asking myself all these questions all this time, and it took a song and some words from my best friend.

So what is it with us wanting what we can’t have? Could it be that we fear being lonely. Certainly I’m not lonely with incredible friends like Anna. Society has definitely put an ideal picture of perfect, so are we striving for that? One thing is for sure, no matter how perfect a situation may be, if you’re not happy then it’s not your perfection, it’s someone else’s. Everybody’s of happiness is different, your green might be someone else’s greener.

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May I Have This Dance?

 

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You can only Imagine what kind of day I’ve had when I am in the largest pullover sweater I own, have a tub of cookie dough ice cream, with Jasper (my puppy) laying on my legs, watching The Notebook. I must sound like a total winner, but with work being crazy and my love life not being as peachy as I would like, this was the perfect way to end my day. Not only that, but it’s been raining all day. By the time that the movie credits start rolling, I notice that the rain isn’t the only things pouring down, I’m crying hysterically. Some would say I was just begging to cry as soon as I walked into the grocery store to pick up my ice cream, but to be honest, I don’t doubt it myself. I’ve seen this movie a dozen times, and this time it hit me somewhere new.

Forget that I have never really been a big fan of change. I understand that for us to progress as a society people need to develop new habits and adapt to them, I however will not always agree to them. This movie reminds me of what love used to feel like. The butterflies, the longing after one another, the innocence of old fashion kind of love. By the time that I have stopped crying I am laying in bed and I wonder how everything started to change. Call me old fashioned (most of my friends already do) but what happened to being in someone’s embrace, looking into each others eyes, getting lost in their smile, feeling like there is no one in the world besides the two of you, while you are dancing. It seems like the feeling of his cock while bumping and grinding is the most important feeling these days. Not to mention whenever a guy wants to “dance” with you, he just slowly creeps up behind you. I mean, can I get a name first before you start rubbing all up on me?  Have people  really lost the respect for themselves? Where did the gestures of asking someone to dance go? I remember even asking someone to dance with me would be such a body rush, I could only imagine getting asked. The-Notebook-Street- My New Years resolution this year was to put myself out there more. While I have dated guys here and there, I always seem to have my big wall up. So Instead of pushing people away, or freak out when things were going good, I would learn to embrace it. Well, I have this been on three dates this month and each time is a total disappointment. Don’t get me wrong they are all really friendly nice guys but some things were missing, others had too much going on. Each date I went on I was just a reminder of why I hold back on dating. I would have gone on 4 dates but one guy wanted me to go to his house to ‘watch a movie”, I may be at ditz at times but I am not that naïve, we ALL know what that means. Am I that big of a prude? Am I too picky? Am I expecting to much? But who goes to someone’s house for a movie on a first date. Yes I want to get to know you, but in steps. While I may complain about dating and relationships being a lot of work, I like mystery and the excitement of working towards getting to know someone. I might be a little emotional right now so it’s okay if you judge me JUST a LITTLE (I’ll probably start crying again).

So it seem like the era of great romance stories have ended, but someone very wise told me that we are the writers to our own story. I guess it’s going to be up to me to keep in search of that great love. I know that I can’t expect it to be some Disney Fairytale, but I know my self-worth and better than to settle. It’s up to me to make people see that it’s the small gestures that really matter and bring romance back alive. Who knows, maybe I’ll find myself my own Noah.

Until Next time your Geek in Chic,

Miguel salut