Man in the Mirror 

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I’ve seen him around, he is taller, slimmer, seems to light up the room when he walks in. I’ve seen him in my old lover’s arms. I’d like to say that I am envious, but in reality, my heart is cheering them on. How can I be envious when all I’ve wanted was for him to be happy?

I won’t deny that it’s a slap that I wasn’t the one that found love after the split. I’ve put myself out there and dated. However nothing has clicked for me. Am I jaded? I take look into the mirror. Nope definitely not jaded. I see that light of hope and forever love in my eyes. I even see a twinkle in my smile. And no, I am not conceited. I am however the kid that believes in a happily ever after. The guy that hang up the moon when you need it the most. I am the man you can come home to.

If you to asked me a year and a half a go if I thought I was this man… I would have said yes, but with the biggest doubt. I know that I have so much love to give but as I have experienced, sometimes love isn’t enough. My biggest demon traps me into a corner and I am faced with believing that I am not good enough. ENOUGH! As cheesy as it sounds, I needed this last year for myself and discover who I am and discover the man I always wanted to be. To shine a light on my darkest fears and defeat them. I’ve said this once and I will say it again, before you can let anybody love you, you have to love yourself.

As I write this, I am at a bar, by myself, and see how far I have come. Never in a million years would I have imagined myself here. Not content with myself, but proud of the man that I am, ecstatic even. I am joyous at the fact that I can raise my glass at a man whom I loved so much and his new partner. Wish them the best because happiness is what he deserves. It’s what EVERYONE deserves in fact.

I think back to the day of my best friend’s wedding day. Although everybody’s love is different, he has paved the way on how love is supposed to be like. I will not settle for someone who does not meet the expectations of my heart. The heart that was shattered into a million pieces and has taken me forever to put back together. With cracks and scars I have to remember that it is still whole and I have a lot to be thankful for. A lot includes, being able to let him move on, letting myself move on without any grudges or resentment. I am able to move on and not feel guilty for being happy.

I’ve seen him around. I’ve seen him stare back at me. While I know I might not be as tall or thin, or as smart as the other guy I have seen, I know I am a beautiful soul.

Your truly,

The Geek in Chic

The Rest Is Still Unwritten.

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If you were ask my fiends to describe me, they would say that I’m as clumsy, loyal, that I have a contagious dorky laugh, I am way too caring, shamefully… somewhat of a princess (it’s not my fault that I know what I want), and that I have a little ADHD problem. Okay who am I kidding, I have a big attention problem. If there were to be a poster child for ADHD… I’d be it, so when I started this blog three years ago I had no idea where this would end up. What I did know that this would be my safe haven. At times (most of the time), it feels as though my thoughts are racing by at 100 miles per hour in my head. Unable to focus and feeling tremendously flustered, it’s nice to write down a thought and see it still, unable to zoom by and be forgotten. It brings peace to mind.

A blog that first began about fashion and adventures with the man I thought was the love of my life, soon became a place where I could release. In writing was my therapeutic outlet.   I was able to write my thoughts, move sentences around to where they made sense. I felt like I had a voice that wasn’t being heard before.

Last night I finally agreed to meet a guy off of Tinder for coffee. He had been flying in and out of town for work so we had been talking for a while but hadn’t had the chance to meet. We made a connection because he was also a writer. None of my friends write, so it was nice to sit and pick at each other’s brain.

I am talking a sip of my Lavender Chai Latte’ when he asked “Why do you think we write?” I wanted to IMG_0178tell him that I have issues and writing was my therapy, but I dug deeper. Why do I write…why does anyone really write? Do to my ADHD I started to think about my life and where it’s going. Even though I am happy and content I am nowhere need the life plans I made 5 years ago. Maybe I had high expectations for me back then, but it’s not as if I am settling. I finally had an answer.

“I believe we write to tell our untold story. The story we long for… the story we believe we deserve. I think that writers want their happily ever after and so we write to find and experience it.”

I may not write fiction and write about happily ever after, nor am I writing about the adventures that I have with a man whom I love, but I hope that I will find my truth… my real life ever after. Truth is whether you are a writer or not, everyone is the writer of their own story. No one could tell you who to be or who to have in your life to create you story, even though you will have some villains along the way.  

I just celebrated 27th birthday. Even though I feel I am a middle-aged man, I know I still have so much to tell and write. It’s up to us to live and write our own story.  

Your Geek in Chic,

Miguel

P.S. Thank you for following me on my crazy journey.

 

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Breaking Your Own Heart.

I’ve felt this before, this heart wrenching, nauseous, balls so far up your throat you can’t breath feeling. Never is a thousand years did I think I would be living this again, never in a million years did I think I would be responsible for this.

I’ve lost him, I fucked up and lost him. Just when everything was going right, I did what I do best, I sabotaged something so grand in the fear that I was going to get hurt. I wish I could say that fear was a good justification for what I did, but I can’t.  I wonder “When will I just let things be? When will I let things take their own coarse naturally, instead of beating things to the punch?

I’m sitting here looking at my empty glass of wine, and I can’t stop laughing. Is this what my life has come down to? Is my life like an empty glass of wine? I remember it being full and then all of a sudden I’m drinking the last drop. Is every relationship like that? You have something so rich, fulfilling, joyous and then it’s gone. Sure I can always get another bottle, sure it “might” be just as delicious as the last, but I will never get back what I experienced with the last.

The things I would give up to have those moments back. At this point my laughter has turned into hysterical plea for him to come back. No matter how hard I cry, or yell, the house remains silent and still. He is not coming back.

While my tears are fogging up my vision, my mind races back to those memories;

The first time met him and saw his smile from across the bridge.

The time I had left my cell phone in a cab and we raced 3 blocks in to get my phone back, in San Francisco out of all places.

Our First kiss, and how I fell asleep in his arms right afterwards.

The moment right before I met his mom for the first time and how he made me feel safe and secure.

How he would rock me to sleep by rubbing my back.

The smile that lit up the room.

The first time he said “I love you”.
I often ask myself, how can someone give up on a relationship with all those beautiful memories? Reality then comes and slaps me in the face, “How could YOU hurt someone that gave you all those memories? You saw a future with this man, and you did actions that would seem like your future did not matter… like HE didn’t matter!” Which bring me to this;

It’s been a month since the break up, and while I still feel the pain and emptiness, he had been in pain for much longer. He knew all along and dealt with the betrayal. Behind all the pain, he was still able to tell me he loved me, and create a smile on my face every day. I never questioned a syllable.  He did that for me, for my well being. How do I go on after that? How do I continue to go on laughing and getting all this support from my friends without feeling guilty and shitty about myself because I don’t deserve it.

I love my friends, they are my family. As you do with family, you always want them to see you at your best, however I am tired of pretending. The smiles and the laugh, the stories of how I kept myself busy to keep myself thinking about him and the whole situation it’s getting old. At the end of the day when I get home, that is what has drained me… the pretending. I am tired of breaking my own heart.

With my glass and bottle empty now both empty, my hands search for something to hold onto. Shorty, I find myself swiping through old photos… there it is. A picture of an old couple having dinner on the top of their car. I took it on our first road trip. Regardless of how early we saw this in our relationship, I knew I was suppose to experience something of the sort with him. We never got the chance to have dinner on the roof of our car, but my heart rest on the night when we were dancing to Frank Sinatra on the beach pier right underneath the stars.

 

From breaking my own heart, one the biggest challenges will be to break away from this familiar road. The biggest and grandest… will be to forgive myself, even when this mistake might be the biggest one to date. There is nothing in this world that I want than to have him back, but as the saying goes “Don’t cry because he is gone, smile because it happened.

The Way He looks at Me

the way he looks at me.

“You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”
Kathryn Stockett, The Help      

5:30 am, I still have half and hour before the alarm goes off. Regardless of how early it is, I feel well rested and at peace, which is weird because I have not woken up in my own home. I turn over expecting him to be asleep and there is, eyes wide open.

“Good morning beautiful.” He says with a smile. He wraps his arm around me and snuggles me closer against him. I bite down on my tongue just to make sure I’m not dreaming.

FUCK!, that hurt, and now I look like a total idiot. I should have just pinched myself instread. Wait did he just call me beautiful?!

I have never been the kind of person to think that I am ugly by any means. At the same time, I have never seen myself as sexy, gorgeous, let alone beautiful. Frankly, I’m your goofy, big hearted, approachable Average Joe. I remember though, how long it took me to even get me to think this way about myself. After “The Ex” left, the little self esteem that I had, had completely vanished. I blamed myself for everything that happened. I blamed myself for not being enough to make him look for more elsewhere. My biggest insecurity was if I wasn’t enough for a person who told me everyday that they loved me, then I couldn’t possibly be enough for anybody else.

I remember laughing when people would say, “Imma do/ focus on me.” when they were going though a break up. These people must be really dependent. It wasn’t until He left, that I realize that I had really let myself get lost and that I really did need to focus on myself. Relationships are all about working together as a team, compromising, fighting side by side. The dreams you had for yourself slowly start molding into ones that are to better you and your partner.  I had taught myself to be strong willed, independent, light hearted for two, and when I was suppose to fend for my own, I no longer knew how to function. I needed time to figure out what I needed, what I wanted, what I deserved. Above everything I needed to love myself.

2 Years, later, a lot of self doubt, a few guys who have taught me a lot, I lay in bed with this amazing man, who has turned my would upside down. This is a man who when he calls me beautiful, I honestly believe him. I no longer laugh when I am being called sexy or even beautiful because I feel like are saying complete bull$#!t. I have gotten the courage to let me love myself so He is able to. This man, looks at me and his smile is about the most memorizing thing I have ever seen, and he smiles because he is with me.

I know this is what most people call puppy love, or the honeymoon stage, but I know that the feeling that I get when he looks at me is real.

Until Next Time,                                                                                                                                                                               Your Geek In Chic

Ghosts of Exes Past

Dating  to me is a big mystery and honestly, it’s a lot of work that I am tired of putting in. You talk to someone for two weeks, you try your hardest to get to know more about this person, try to impress them, show them what you have to offer, and then all of a sudden you realize that it’s not going to workout. You cut ties and then when you bump into them, you awkwardly say hi, make conversation, and you say to yourself “Yup, I remember why it didn’t work.” Even though I don’t date much (mostly because I still have my wall up, and I’m more aware of what I want) I have learned a lot from the guys that I have dated. Most have been good experiences, relationships that I would never take back, except for one stinker.

The Seeker

Because I grew up in a small rural area and went to a high school that had 120 students, I didn’t date much there either. Fuck, I was the only gay student (or at least openly that people knew of). So my first relationship/experience was right after high school. Being 19, in a new city, and with Grindr not being  invented yet, I didn’t know any other gay guys, then there came my coworker. I hated him. He was rude and lazy, but my gosh he was beautiful. Little by little I got  to know him and eventually tricked him into giving me his number. I was curious, intrigued by this man who I saw could be loved so much. When we started dating I thought I was the happiest boy ever, but I was too blind to see that I was not in a healthy relationship. He was abusive. He never laid a hand on me, but his words were enough to take the air out of you. I swore that I would be the one to change him. Give him the love he was neglected when he was growing up. He was lost and confused about his sexuality, that made him mean and turn down the love I had for him. Needless to say, things ended. After dating him I swore to never try to change anyone, especially if they aren’t ready. After all, isn’t that the reason why you are with someone, because you love everything about them, the good, and the ugly?

My First Love

This guy, he rocked my world. I was so closed off, with walls higher then the Great Wall of China. And he is broke all of them. It took him time, but he got the job done. He taught me how to love unconditionally, how to live life without fears, to live with my best friend. I ended up getting cheated on by him, left alone so far away from home, yet I wouldn’t trade it for the world. The thing is, that if I was able to feel so loved by someone who didn’t love me and was the wrong kind of right… then holy shit, when I am truly loved, it’s going to be magical.  Talk about being cheesy right? I think about the way he looked at me like there was no one else in the room, the way he made me smile, and I tear up every single time. I miss him a lot, not as my boyfriend, or lover, but my best friend.

Our brake up also taught me many things. Like the fact that the One Man that I truly love, is our Heavenly Father. I was in such a bad state afterwards, I turned to Christian faith, which was all sorts of new stuff for me since I had grown up Catholic. I learned to love myself first before I could let someone else love me. That was mostly because I blamed myself for loosing him, and always questioned what I did wrong. Being by myself and enjoying the small things that once made me happy is what loving myself is all about.

The Older Gentleman

He was the first guy I liked after my relationship with my first love. No, he was not a rebound, for there was a long period of time between the two of them. He was older, in the process of getting the keys to his new house, his father was Pastor, educated, a total NERD at heart, he was everything I could ever want in a guy. My biggest surprise was when he introduced him to his mother within a month of dating him. I thought, third time is the charm. NOPE. Like every person though, he had skeletons in the closet. I will not mention those dark secrets, for those are for him to tell. We recently met up for coffee talked about pretty much about everything under the sun. He explained why he did some of the stuff he did and he genuinely apologized for them. That takes a lot of work and I apprciate him for that. He is an amazing guy and I wish him nothing but the best.

I live by the quote tattooed on my shoulder (Thank you Kelly Clarkson for being a huge inspiration in my life), Picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers. I learned with him that, no matter how much you water, and nurture your plants, some flowers aren’t meant to grow in your garden.

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The Young Soul

I had been friends with this particular guy since I can remember. There had always been flirting here and there but there was nothing really serious about it, or so I thought. Even before we started doing anything people always asked me if there was something going on between us, I of coarse denied it.

He has a boy friend.”

Are you crazy? He is just my friend

He just broke up with his boyfriend”,

Were only some of the excuses I used, and then we kissed. He lit up my world. He made me feel wanted and secure. Our relationship was seamless, everything felt so natural and flowed along with our lives, until one night when we were laying in bed he said something to me that made my wall go sky rocket again,

Don’t fall in love with me.”

Excuse me, what? Did I hear wrong? I knew he had just broken up with his boyfriend recently, but as I learned before, you can’t force the heart to feel or unfeel something if it’s not ready to. Later on I learned that he was still talking to his ex. Surprisingly, I wasn’t heart broken or upset when I found this out.

For One- I think my emotions from my last two relationships had caught up to me and he was finally my rebound guy. He made everything so fresh and exciting; he made me forget about all the other bull I had been through.

Two- When we first went into dating we said to each other that before anything, that we would be friends first. We had been friends for so long, and meant so much to each other that we weren’t going to let anything ruin that. I’m not going to lie, things were very awkward when we called it quits but thankfully, ‘til this day we have a very healthy friendship. I know that in any future relationship that I have,I want a friend first, loving someone for the person they are in a friendship oppose to how they are in the sack.

The truth is that we all have our own ghosts that haunt us. The dreams we once shared, laughs, tears. But though it all we remember the lessons, and because of those, we are who we are.

Your Geek In Chic,

Miguel

Homecoming.

“Every traveler has a home of his own, and he learns to appreciate it the more from his wandering.”
Charles Dickens

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I don’t know at exactly what moment I started feeling happy again or how even. I was so caught up in knowing what I did wrong, that being happy was the least of my concerns. Hearing my laughter sound genuine for the first time in what seemed like forever, took me by surprise, so much that I even started crying. I know, I know, I sound like a total cry baby. But to be completely honest, I am. I cry every single time I see “The Fault in Our Stars”, and I’ve seen that movie like 10 times. If it helps my case it’s always on a different part of the movie each time.

Feeling happy again wasn’t the only thing that I took my time on, knowing what to do with this blog was also a really tough decision. When I started writing back a year and a half ago I had so many ideas and directions for the blog and then, everything went dark. I turned into a 2006 emo version of myself, not my brightest days. Truth is, I am not the same person I was almost 10 years ago, nor am I the person I was last year. As cheesy at it sounds, this last year I’ve taken time and focused on me. What I am extremely grateful for more than anything from this last year, is getting know me once again, and deciding the person I want to be. With all these new self-discoveries, I have found that passion I’ve always had for writing.

Let’s face it, writing is probably the best sort of therapy I will ever get, and I am okay with that. I am really excited to see where this next year takes me. In the midst of it all, I am exciting to be writing about it. After all, writing has been and will always be my first love. This is my home…. I am HOME.

‘Till next time, your Favorite Geek and Chic,

Miguel

Words From my Mother

When I was little, I remember my mother sitting me down and telling me that you can’t force your heart to love someone, that love is something that happens and you can’t control. I didn’t know what she meant by it back then. I know now that she was only trying to warn me, prepare me for what I was to go through, or she knew when I was running around in shorts and cowboy boots that I was going to be special and different with a big heart. Okay… who am I kidding, she knew I was gay.

I am writing this letter to you in hopes that I can finally let go. I know you’ll never read this, I don’t know if I will ever see you again. But there is still so much left unsaid, so much that my heart is growing more heavy as days go on. I think about those words that my mom told me when I was younger, and I think about why you left. While we can’t choose who we love or choose to fall out of love with, we do choose to give you our hearts or not. Against all my fears, insecurities, walls, I gave you my heart. I gave you my life and soul, and little by little you managed to break them all.

Everything spins all the time, and I wonder if it’ll ever stop. When will these different voices inside my head stop feeding me these thoughts, that I know will only bring me down. Truth is I don’t know what to do, I have all these feelings and emotions, I wish someone, just one person could hear me.

I am angry because you once told me to trust you, that all you needed was time.  And when I did, you went to heal in the arms of another.

How could it have taken you only 2 days, after your last “I miss you” after your last “I love you” to be rolling in bed with some other guy?

I am angry at all the fake promises you made.

I laid there is the cold stones for you. Because you said that whenever I needed you, you would be there, but you weren’t. I had my best friend find me on the ground, I listened to your best friend and  tell me that it was going to be alright, and where the fuck were you? How am I supposed to build the shattered trust I once had for you. The one that we were supposed to fight for.

I hate you for being a coward and not facing me, like the man I once thought you were. In one way, I hope that the guilt is eating you up inside like maggots, to the very trash you are.

Everyday I have a war with myself, fighting back the urge to pick up the phone to call you and tell you I need you. I want you to come home.

I ask myself, how am I supposed to fight for something that doesn’t want to be fought for?

I think about what it would be like to be back together. And while it is everything I want, everything I need, I don’t know if I could.

 How do I go on when my head is telling me to hate you, because this is the only way you are going to get through this. But my heart is telling me “No, don’t give up. You aren’t supposed to give up on love.”

I am not going to lie, I still cry myself to sleep every once in a while. Look at what used to be your side of the bed and you laying there, whispering in your sleep that you love me. It hurts to know that I am not the one that is in your arms.

How do I erease these marks left behind by my tears?

What hurt the most was having my mother cry with me as I lay in the floor, and not knowing what to do to take away this pain. To make it all better with her love. She held me and told me the very words that she had told me once before, “You can’t force your heart to love someone.”

I have to let you go, For now I have to believe I have to trust myself that the sun will rise and I will be happy again.

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