Man in the Mirror 

man mirror

I’ve seen him around, he is taller, slimmer, seems to light up the room when he walks in. I’ve seen him in my old lover’s arms. I’d like to say that I am envious, but in reality, my heart is cheering them on. How can I be envious when all I’ve wanted was for him to be happy?

I won’t deny that it’s a slap that I wasn’t the one that found love after the split. I’ve put myself out there and dated. However nothing has clicked for me. Am I jaded? I take look into the mirror. Nope definitely not jaded. I see that light of hope and forever love in my eyes. I even see a twinkle in my smile. And no, I am not conceited. I am however the kid that believes in a happily ever after. The guy that hang up the moon when you need it the most. I am the man you can come home to.

If you to asked me a year and a half a go if I thought I was this man… I would have said yes, but with the biggest doubt. I know that I have so much love to give but as I have experienced, sometimes love isn’t enough. My biggest demon traps me into a corner and I am faced with believing that I am not good enough. ENOUGH! As cheesy as it sounds, I needed this last year for myself and discover who I am and discover the man I always wanted to be. To shine a light on my darkest fears and defeat them. I’ve said this once and I will say it again, before you can let anybody love you, you have to love yourself.

As I write this, I am at a bar, by myself, and see how far I have come. Never in a million years would I have imagined myself here. Not content with myself, but proud of the man that I am, ecstatic even. I am joyous at the fact that I can raise my glass at a man whom I loved so much and his new partner. Wish them the best because happiness is what he deserves. It’s what EVERYONE deserves in fact.

I think back to the day of my best friend’s wedding day. Although everybody’s love is different, he has paved the way on how love is supposed to be like. I will not settle for someone who does not meet the expectations of my heart. The heart that was shattered into a million pieces and has taken me forever to put back together. With cracks and scars I have to remember that it is still whole and I have a lot to be thankful for. A lot includes, being able to let him move on, letting myself move on without any grudges or resentment. I am able to move on and not feel guilty for being happy.

I’ve seen him around. I’ve seen him stare back at me. While I know I might not be as tall or thin, or as smart as the other guy I have seen, I know I am a beautiful soul.

Your truly,

The Geek in Chic

Advertisements

Sleeping with the Enemy

bed

Autumn, it would be a little bit of an understatement if I told you that it’s my favorite part of the year. The colors, the scarves, the adventures in pumpkin patches, the hot coco, I’m in love with it all. With Fall, comes the cooler weather and today it’s making it really difficult to make it out of bed. Five more Minutes, I tell myself, but I know that I will be here much longer than that.

A few weeks ago I had gone back home to visit my family. Normally when I go back, I stay in my sister’s room so we can catch up  and watch movies. This time, by the second film started playing Samantha was out. 2:30 a.m rolled around and I was still wide awake, not sleepy at all. It didn’t help that the room was too hot so I tossed and turned even more. I needed out. I grabbed my pillow and blanket, and headed towards the living room. Once I got there I noticed that Mom was sleeping on the couch. I wondered what she was doing out there, but I covered her with my blanket and sat on the floor next to her.

My Mother, so beautiful, strong and inspiring, she has been my biggest hero. I looked at hermom and could see the light wrinkles she has gotten over the years. The very wrinkles that told the stories of her joys, struggles, laughs, tears, and accomplishments. “Silly Mom what are you doing out here?” And then it hit me that Papa wasn’t home yet.

For the last four years, Papa has been working in the mines and this week he was working nights. I looked at Mom once more and laughed to myself “Well I guess the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree after all.” 

I though about how  after Jesse and I broke up, I wasn’t able… I couldn’t sleep in my bed. For three whole months I slept on the couch because I couldn’t deal with the pain of not having him there right next to me. I would turn over expecting to see his resting face, instead I found an empty space… a pillow that had been untouched.  It was weird but on the couch I didn’t feel lonely… as empty as Jesse’s side of the bed was.While I could no longer be in Jesse’s arms, I was cuddled by my couch.

Every so often when I watch a movie and pass out, or when I come home tipsy, the first place I go to is the couch.   When I wake up to find myself sleeping on my bed again.. I wondered how for three months, I was afraid to do that. Now seeing my Mom a woman that is sooo independent on the couch, I realize that it is better to be sleeping alone congested than sleeping with the enemy…Emptiness.

Emptiness has a way of making you believe that you are more alone than you really are even in a place where you can all home. Emptiness is a great enemy, but after 11 months of being single I can pretty much say I have conquered it. I just have to make sure that I sleep right in the middle of the bed. I’m Kidding. It is nice though, to not have to cry or think about THAT person when you’re in bed.

I will not lie to you and tell you that the only thing Jesse left empty is his side of the bed. He left a large part of my heart empty… but I think I did that for him as well. I believe however that we have both learned to fill that emptiness with the love of friends and family,new adventures we experience in our lives. I think that if my heart was still empty I would not be able to forgive and laugh as I do now.

Thanks Mom, for showing me how to be strong and how to forgive. Thank you for giving me one of the biggest lessons in life without meaning to… not allowing myself to be consumed in my heart… or in bed by emptiness.

Your Geek in Chic

Miguel

The Rest Is Still Unwritten.

loptop

 

If you were ask my fiends to describe me, they would say that I’m as clumsy, loyal, that I have a contagious dorky laugh, I am way too caring, shamefully… somewhat of a princess (it’s not my fault that I know what I want), and that I have a little ADHD problem. Okay who am I kidding, I have a big attention problem. If there were to be a poster child for ADHD… I’d be it, so when I started this blog three years ago I had no idea where this would end up. What I did know that this would be my safe haven. At times (most of the time), it feels as though my thoughts are racing by at 100 miles per hour in my head. Unable to focus and feeling tremendously flustered, it’s nice to write down a thought and see it still, unable to zoom by and be forgotten. It brings peace to mind.

A blog that first began about fashion and adventures with the man I thought was the love of my life, soon became a place where I could release. In writing was my therapeutic outlet.   I was able to write my thoughts, move sentences around to where they made sense. I felt like I had a voice that wasn’t being heard before.

Last night I finally agreed to meet a guy off of Tinder for coffee. He had been flying in and out of town for work so we had been talking for a while but hadn’t had the chance to meet. We made a connection because he was also a writer. None of my friends write, so it was nice to sit and pick at each other’s brain.

I am talking a sip of my Lavender Chai Latte’ when he asked “Why do you think we write?” I wanted to IMG_0178tell him that I have issues and writing was my therapy, but I dug deeper. Why do I write…why does anyone really write? Do to my ADHD I started to think about my life and where it’s going. Even though I am happy and content I am nowhere need the life plans I made 5 years ago. Maybe I had high expectations for me back then, but it’s not as if I am settling. I finally had an answer.

“I believe we write to tell our untold story. The story we long for… the story we believe we deserve. I think that writers want their happily ever after and so we write to find and experience it.”

I may not write fiction and write about happily ever after, nor am I writing about the adventures that I have with a man whom I love, but I hope that I will find my truth… my real life ever after. Truth is whether you are a writer or not, everyone is the writer of their own story. No one could tell you who to be or who to have in your life to create you story, even though you will have some villains along the way.  

I just celebrated 27th birthday. Even though I feel I am a middle-aged man, I know I still have so much to tell and write. It’s up to us to live and write our own story.  

Your Geek in Chic,

Miguel

P.S. Thank you for following me on my crazy journey.

 

IMG_0171

 

 

Changes.

ChangesTime changes everything except something within us, which is always surprised by change.                                                                                                                                                            –Thomas Hardy

I take one last look of myself in the mirror before I head out the door. I have a date tonight, and the amount of emotions I have in me make me feel… appreciative. As I see my reflection, I see how much I have changed. Time in general has changed.

Processed with VSCOcam with t1 preset

Exactly one year ago today I met a boy who I instantly knew was going to impact my life forever. We met up for coffee, the following day we went on an actual first date, and by the third day we were on our way to San Francisco. Gay marriage had just become legalized, neither one of us had been to a pride, so we knew that we had to go and be part of this time in our lives. I celebrated an amazing part of the LGBT history, I also celebrated knowing that I would be falling in love with this kid.

Today I gladly have a new wrinkle or two on my face, am loved greatly by my friends, and I’m boyfreindless. A love once so bright no longer exists. But what hurts me most of all today, is the heaviness in my heart by knowing what happed in Orlando. 49 nine people dead?

What, what is going through all the victim’s friends and family member’s minds?

Why, why did he do this?

How, how can someone be so heartless with people who just want to be loved?

When, when will the hate stop?

A week after the Orlando shootings and being silent, I found myself crying to my best friend. I was scared and I could no longer hold it in. I have been having these dreams, nightmares about being trapped inside of Pulse with the other victims. I imagine being shot and seeing the faces of those whom I love. My mom’s, sister’s, my friend’s… Jesse’s face. I pray, hoping that I don’t die having Jesse thinking that I hate him. I don’t want him to think that everything that we went through was for nothing. I don’t want to die and have him doubt that I ever did love him… or that I still don’t. The same goes with other people in my life that I let go. Anna, and Jay. While we have parted and gone our own separate ways, that doesn’t mean that I don’t wish them well.

I’m scared, not of what can happen to me but I am scared for my family. For the pain I know my love ones would be going through. I am scared to think that everything that past LGBT activist have done, was worth nothing. Something has got to change this.

I will be completely honest, I have never been a great fan of change, but as I look into the mirror I decide that I will be the revolution. I have cried and had many sleepless nights, blaming myself for something that was not entirely my fault. People grow apart, people fall out of love, unfortunately Jesse gave up. Just because that happens, that doesn’t mean I should be closed off to other people. I understand that now, so I will allow my heart to forgive. Forgive Jesse, forgive Anna and Jay, forgive myself.  I will allow myself to open up my heart and enjoy the company of a man that makes me feel so alive and carefree. Now whether or not things go anywhere with this guy, time will only tell. One thing is for sure though, I am throwing all expectations out the window. Emotions change, the heart changes, so I cannot hold him or myself or accountable for the feelings we are feeling presently.

With a changed heart I refuse to be scared. I will not let the hate of others take back what we have fought so hard for… our freedom to be whomever we want, and love whom the heart loves. Love then, now and tomorrow will always prevail. 

Love Always Your Geek in Chic,

Miguel

cropped-cover-resized2.jpg

 

 

Nothing Compares

 

“Thanks for coming over. Text me as soon as you get home?”  He asked as he walked me towards my car. I turned around and faced him. His gleaming eyes, so big and gentle looked right at me with hope. His crooked smile make me feel so welcomed every single time.

“Sure, and thanks again for dinner. It was amazing.” I answered back. With that he leaned in for a kiss. First on my forehead, then finding his way to my lips. I could still taste the wine on his lips, and for a split second my knees went weak. When he pulled away he opened the door and kissed my forehead again once I was settled inside. As I drove off I could still see his reflection through my rear view mirror. He stood there until I was out of his sight.mirror

“Hold it in”, I tell myself but it’s already too late. I can feel my cheek getting wet as a tear rolls down my face. I could feel my heart getting heavier, and it makes it a little hard to breath. All of a sudden I loose the little self-control that I do have and I start to cry. “I don’t want this. He is not him.”

How can I feel this way about a guy who has been nothing but amazing to me over the last three weeks? How can I feel so empty when he still manages to make me laugh and makes me feel wanted once again. This man… could capture a million stars for me so I could call them my own,  yet I am pulled and I think about the ways that he doesn’t compare to Jesse.

You would think that after five months I would have gotten over him. You would think that I would have dusted him off me, ran and never looked back. Yet I feel like he is still running right beside me, and somehow I know that I will never see him again.

Don’t ruin this Miguel.” I hear my inner voice tell me. However my inner heart tells me, “Let the guy go”. Let him go because you can’t lie to him. You can’s be with him… settle for him, because you know that he wont hurt you. You cant be with him and think of Jesse whenever he kisses you. You can’t be with him because even though his smile makes you feel welcomed to him, its not the same smile that made you feel safe, wanted, carefree, loved.

I then hate  myself for not allowing this man try to fill in the pieces that left a hole within me, but I know it wouldn’t be right. It would be like putting back the pieces back on a broken mirror. Just because someone sounds good on paper doesn’t mean that they are meant for you. You shouldn’t have to compare then people you love.

 

Your Geek in Chic,

Miguel

One. Two. Three. Breath.

Running is about inner peace, and so is a life well lived… run with your heart

                                                                                -Dean Karnasez

I couldn’t tell you when the last time I saw the sun was, since it has been raining for what seems like days. I also couldn’t you when the last time I wanted to do anything. The break up still had me down in the gutters, but feeling the sun’s warmth on my skin today felt good. I took one deep breath in and I smiled. I smelled Spring. For the first time in a long time I too wanted to get out. I put on my running shoes, turned the volume up on my iPod, and I raced.

One, two, three, breath in. One, two, breath out.

The thing about running is, for the time that you run it’s as if you are free. Free from the stress, fears, troubles, your pain… your demons. You run in hopes that you could find something better, you run to find in what you hope will be the happy man you used to be.

One, two, breath out. 

I stop and gasp for air. Not being active for the last couple of weeks has taken a toll on me. The rain though has been good. It’s made everything so green and pretty. Now that I have stopped, my mind races back.

What do you think is your biggest flaw while you are in a relationship?” Jesse asked still looking straight ahead as he drove the curvy roads of Lake Tahoe. I couldn’t help but to look at out the window. It wasn’t because I needed to think about it, for I knew the answer to his question. My hesitation in answering was the fear of what he would think of it.

One, two, three, breath and speak.

I become too available. I become too dependent on my partner. Not like financially or anything like that, but their happiness and goals influence the decisions that I make even if those decisions don’t secure my happiness.” I answered, too scared to look at him to see his reaction. In past relationships I had held off on letting them know my real feelings and insecurities. I wanted this relationship with Jesse to be different.

Silence filled the car. He was about to say something when I accidentally cut him off. “I mean, I think reason why I do it mostly is because I want want my partner to be happy. Knowing that they are happy, would make me happy as well. I forget that we are suppose to be a team and help ONE ANOTHER out in each others dreams, not just theirs.

Breath in, start running. One, two three. 

Looking back, I had done it again. I stopped going to church. I was about to move to a new city, I turned down two great job offers for him, I lost myself. I wanted it to be different this time and I fell back to my old ways.

One, two, breath out. Quick find him!  

I remember reading a blog and words from his post stuck out they read, “In dating you have to know who you are. If you don’t, it’s not going to work out. You are going to loose yourself and that is wrong.” Thanks, a little too late, but thanks for the tip. Question now is, how do I find myself again?

I wish i could have some grand answer to that question, but I don’t. All I can really count on is on time, and working towards becoming a better version of myself. Remind myself that my first priority should be making myself happy because naturally being happy is who you should be as a person. Whether someone is gay, bi, straight, purple, green, your first label should be happy. I’m not saying these thoughts of self love will come in an hour, or tomorrow. It’s a progress. But the sweat and tears along the way to being there, will make that moment of happiness so much more glorious. It’s the journey towards that happiness that you get to discover who you are.
One, two, three, breath. 

Your Geek In Chic,

Miguel  

Breaking Your Own Heart.

I’ve felt this before, this heart wrenching, nauseous, balls so far up your throat you can’t breath feeling. Never is a thousand years did I think I would be living this again, never in a million years did I think I would be responsible for this.

I’ve lost him, I fucked up and lost him. Just when everything was going right, I did what I do best, I sabotaged something so grand in the fear that I was going to get hurt. I wish I could say that fear was a good justification for what I did, but I can’t.  I wonder “When will I just let things be? When will I let things take their own coarse naturally, instead of beating things to the punch?

I’m sitting here looking at my empty glass of wine, and I can’t stop laughing. Is this what my life has come down to? Is my life like an empty glass of wine? I remember it being full and then all of a sudden I’m drinking the last drop. Is every relationship like that? You have something so rich, fulfilling, joyous and then it’s gone. Sure I can always get another bottle, sure it “might” be just as delicious as the last, but I will never get back what I experienced with the last.

The things I would give up to have those moments back. At this point my laughter has turned into hysterical plea for him to come back. No matter how hard I cry, or yell, the house remains silent and still. He is not coming back.

While my tears are fogging up my vision, my mind races back to those memories;

The first time met him and saw his smile from across the bridge.

The time I had left my cell phone in a cab and we raced 3 blocks in to get my phone back, in San Francisco out of all places.

Our First kiss, and how I fell asleep in his arms right afterwards.

The moment right before I met his mom for the first time and how he made me feel safe and secure.

How he would rock me to sleep by rubbing my back.

The smile that lit up the room.

The first time he said “I love you”.
I often ask myself, how can someone give up on a relationship with all those beautiful memories? Reality then comes and slaps me in the face, “How could YOU hurt someone that gave you all those memories? You saw a future with this man, and you did actions that would seem like your future did not matter… like HE didn’t matter!” Which bring me to this;

It’s been a month since the break up, and while I still feel the pain and emptiness, he had been in pain for much longer. He knew all along and dealt with the betrayal. Behind all the pain, he was still able to tell me he loved me, and create a smile on my face every day. I never questioned a syllable.  He did that for me, for my well being. How do I go on after that? How do I continue to go on laughing and getting all this support from my friends without feeling guilty and shitty about myself because I don’t deserve it.

I love my friends, they are my family. As you do with family, you always want them to see you at your best, however I am tired of pretending. The smiles and the laugh, the stories of how I kept myself busy to keep myself thinking about him and the whole situation it’s getting old. At the end of the day when I get home, that is what has drained me… the pretending. I am tired of breaking my own heart.

With my glass and bottle empty now both empty, my hands search for something to hold onto. Shorty, I find myself swiping through old photos… there it is. A picture of an old couple having dinner on the top of their car. I took it on our first road trip. Regardless of how early we saw this in our relationship, I knew I was suppose to experience something of the sort with him. We never got the chance to have dinner on the roof of our car, but my heart rest on the night when we were dancing to Frank Sinatra on the beach pier right underneath the stars.

 

From breaking my own heart, one the biggest challenges will be to break away from this familiar road. The biggest and grandest… will be to forgive myself, even when this mistake might be the biggest one to date. There is nothing in this world that I want than to have him back, but as the saying goes “Don’t cry because he is gone, smile because it happened.