Time changes everything except something within us, which is always surprised by change. –Thomas Hardy
I take one last look of myself in the mirror before I head out the door. I have a date tonight, and the amount of emotions I have in me make me feel… appreciative. As I see my reflection, I see how much I have changed. Time in general has changed.
Exactly one year ago today I met a boy who I instantly knew was going to impact my life forever. We met up for coffee, the following day we went on an actual first date, and by the third day we were on our way to San Francisco. Gay marriage had just become legalized, neither one of us had been to a pride, so we knew that we had to go and be part of this time in our lives. I celebrated an amazing part of the LGBT history, I also celebrated knowing that I would be falling in love with this kid.
Today I gladly have a new wrinkle or two on my face, am loved greatly by my friends, and I’m boyfreindless. A love once so bright no longer exists. But what hurts me most of all today, is the heaviness in my heart by knowing what happed in Orlando. 49 nine people dead?
What, what is going through all the victim’s friends and family member’s minds?
Why, why did he do this?
How, how can someone be so heartless with people who just want to be loved?
When, when will the hate stop?
A week after the Orlando shootings and being silent, I found myself crying to my best friend. I was scared and I could no longer hold it in. I have been having these
dreams, nightmares about being trapped inside of Pulse with the other victims. I imagine being shot and seeing the faces of those whom I love. My mom’s, sister’s, my friend’s… Jesse’s face. I pray, hoping that I don’t die having Jesse thinking that I hate him. I don’t want him to think that everything that we went through was for nothing. I don’t want to die and have him doubt that I ever did love him… or that I still don’t. The same goes with other people in my life that I let go. Anna, and Jay. While we have parted and gone our own separate ways, that doesn’t mean that I don’t wish them well.
I’m scared, not of what can happen to me but I am scared for my family. For the pain I know my love ones would be going through. I am scared to think that everything that past LGBT activist have done, was worth nothing. Something has got to change this.
I will be completely honest, I have never been a great fan of change, but as I look into the mirror I decide that I will be the revolution. I have cried and had many sleepless nights, blaming myself for something that was not entirely my fault. People grow apart, people fall out of love, unfortunately Jesse gave up. Just because that happens, that doesn’t mean I should be closed off to other people. I understand that now, so I will allow my heart to forgive. Forgive Jesse, forgive Anna and Jay, forgive myself. I will allow myself to open up my heart and enjoy the company of a man that makes me feel so alive and carefree. Now whether or not things go anywhere with this guy, time will only tell. One thing is for sure though, I am throwing all expectations out the window. Emotions change, the heart changes, so I cannot hold him or myself or accountable for the feelings we are feeling presently.
With a changed heart I refuse to be scared. I will not let the hate of others take back what we have fought so hard for… our freedom to be whomever we want, and love whom the heart loves. Love then, now and tomorrow will always prevail.
Love Always Your Geek in Chic,