“Thanks for coming over. Text me as soon as you get home?” He asked as he walked me towards my car. I turned around and faced him. His gleaming eyes, so big and gentle looked right at me with hope. His crooked smile make me feel so welcomed every single time.
“Sure, and thanks again for dinner. It was amazing.” I answered back. With that he leaned in for a kiss. First on my forehead, then finding his way to my lips. I could still taste the wine on his lips, and for a split second my knees went weak. When he pulled away he opened the door and kissed my forehead again once I was settled inside. As I drove off I could still see his reflection through my rear view mirror. He stood there until I was out of his sight.
“Hold it in”, I tell myself but it’s already too late. I can feel my cheek getting wet as a tear rolls down my face. I could feel my heart getting heavier, and it makes it a little hard to breath. All of a sudden I loose the little self-control that I do have and I start to cry. “I don’t want this. He is not him.”
How can I feel this way about a guy who has been nothing but amazing to me over the last three weeks? How can I feel so empty when he still manages to make me laugh and makes me feel wanted once again. This man… could capture a million stars for me so I could call them my own, yet I am pulled and I think about the ways that he doesn’t compare to Jesse.
You would think that after five months I would have gotten over him. You would think that I would have dusted him off me, ran and never looked back. Yet I feel like he is still running right beside me, and somehow I know that I will never see him again.
“Don’t ruin this Miguel.” I hear my inner voice tell me. However my inner heart tells me, “Let the guy go”. Let him go because you can’t lie to him. You can’s be with him… settle for him, because you know that he wont hurt you. You cant be with him and think of Jesse whenever he kisses you. You can’t be with him because even though his smile makes you feel welcomed to him, its not the same smile that made you feel safe, wanted, carefree, loved.
I then hate myself for not allowing this man try to fill in the pieces that left a hole within me, but I know it wouldn’t be right. It would be like putting back the pieces back on a broken mirror. Just because someone sounds good on paper doesn’t mean that they are meant for you. You shouldn’t have to compare then people you love.
Your Geek in Chic,