One. Two. Three. Breath.

Running is about inner peace, and so is a life well lived… run with your heart

                                                                                -Dean Karnasez

I couldn’t tell you when the last time I saw the sun was, since it has been raining for what seems like days. I also couldn’t you when the last time I wanted to do anything. The break up still had me down in the gutters, but feeling the sun’s warmth on my skin today felt good. I took one deep breath in and I smiled. I smelled Spring. For the first time in a long time I too wanted to get out. I put on my running shoes, turned the volume up on my iPod, and I raced.

One, two, three, breath in. One, two, breath out.

The thing about running is, for the time that you run it’s as if you are free. Free from the stress, fears, troubles, your pain… your demons. You run in hopes that you could find something better, you run to find in what you hope will be the happy man you used to be.

One, two, breath out. 

I stop and gasp for air. Not being active for the last couple of weeks has taken a toll on me. The rain though has been good. It’s made everything so green and pretty. Now that I have stopped, my mind races back.

What do you think is your biggest flaw while you are in a relationship?” Jesse asked still looking straight ahead as he drove the curvy roads of Lake Tahoe. I couldn’t help but to look at out the window. It wasn’t because I needed to think about it, for I knew the answer to his question. My hesitation in answering was the fear of what he would think of it.

One, two, three, breath and speak.

I become too available. I become too dependent on my partner. Not like financially or anything like that, but their happiness and goals influence the decisions that I make even if those decisions don’t secure my happiness.” I answered, too scared to look at him to see his reaction. In past relationships I had held off on letting them know my real feelings and insecurities. I wanted this relationship with Jesse to be different.

Silence filled the car. He was about to say something when I accidentally cut him off. “I mean, I think reason why I do it mostly is because I want want my partner to be happy. Knowing that they are happy, would make me happy as well. I forget that we are suppose to be a team and help ONE ANOTHER out in each others dreams, not just theirs.

Breath in, start running. One, two three. 

Looking back, I had done it again. I stopped going to church. I was about to move to a new city, I turned down two great job offers for him, I lost myself. I wanted it to be different this time and I fell back to my old ways.

One, two, breath out. Quick find him!  

I remember reading a blog and words from his post stuck out they read, “In dating you have to know who you are. If you don’t, it’s not going to work out. You are going to loose yourself and that is wrong.” Thanks, a little too late, but thanks for the tip. Question now is, how do I find myself again?

I wish i could have some grand answer to that question, but I don’t. All I can really count on is on time, and working towards becoming a better version of myself. Remind myself that my first priority should be making myself happy because naturally being happy is who you should be as a person. Whether someone is gay, bi, straight, purple, green, your first label should be happy. I’m not saying these thoughts of self love will come in an hour, or tomorrow. It’s a progress. But the sweat and tears along the way to being there, will make that moment of happiness so much more glorious. It’s the journey towards that happiness that you get to discover who you are.
One, two, three, breath. 

Your Geek In Chic,