Breaking Your Own Heart.

I’ve felt this before, this heart wrenching, nauseous, balls so far up your throat you can’t breath feeling. Never is a thousand years did I think I would be living this again, never in a million years did I think I would be responsible for this.

I’ve lost him, I fucked up and lost him. Just when everything was going right, I did what I do best, I sabotaged something so grand in the fear that I was going to get hurt. I wish I could say that fear was a good justification for what I did, but I can’t.  I wonder “When will I just let things be? When will I let things take their own coarse naturally, instead of beating things to the punch?

I’m sitting here looking at my empty glass of wine, and I can’t stop laughing. Is this what my life has come down to? Is my life like an empty glass of wine? I remember it being full and then all of a sudden I’m drinking the last drop. Is every relationship like that? You have something so rich, fulfilling, joyous and then it’s gone. Sure I can always get another bottle, sure it “might” be just as delicious as the last, but I will never get back what I experienced with the last.

The things I would give up to have those moments back. At this point my laughter has turned into hysterical plea for him to come back. No matter how hard I cry, or yell, the house remains silent and still. He is not coming back.

While my tears are fogging up my vision, my mind races back to those memories;

The first time met him and saw his smile from across the bridge.

The time I had left my cell phone in a cab and we raced 3 blocks in to get my phone back, in San Francisco out of all places.

Our First kiss, and how I fell asleep in his arms right afterwards.

The moment right before I met his mom for the first time and how he made me feel safe and secure.

How he would rock me to sleep by rubbing my back.

The smile that lit up the room.

The first time he said “I love you”.
I often ask myself, how can someone give up on a relationship with all those beautiful memories? Reality then comes and slaps me in the face, “How could YOU hurt someone that gave you all those memories? You saw a future with this man, and you did actions that would seem like your future did not matter… like HE didn’t matter!” Which bring me to this;

It’s been a month since the break up, and while I still feel the pain and emptiness, he had been in pain for much longer. He knew all along and dealt with the betrayal. Behind all the pain, he was still able to tell me he loved me, and create a smile on my face every day. I never questioned a syllable.  He did that for me, for my well being. How do I go on after that? How do I continue to go on laughing and getting all this support from my friends without feeling guilty and shitty about myself because I don’t deserve it.

I love my friends, they are my family. As you do with family, you always want them to see you at your best, however I am tired of pretending. The smiles and the laugh, the stories of how I kept myself busy to keep myself thinking about him and the whole situation it’s getting old. At the end of the day when I get home, that is what has drained me… the pretending. I am tired of breaking my own heart.

With my glass and bottle empty now both empty, my hands search for something to hold onto. Shorty, I find myself swiping through old photos… there it is. A picture of an old couple having dinner on the top of their car. I took it on our first road trip. Regardless of how early we saw this in our relationship, I knew I was suppose to experience something of the sort with him. We never got the chance to have dinner on the roof of our car, but my heart rest on the night when we were dancing to Frank Sinatra on the beach pier right underneath the stars.

 

From breaking my own heart, one the biggest challenges will be to break away from this familiar road. The biggest and grandest… will be to forgive myself, even when this mistake might be the biggest one to date. There is nothing in this world that I want than to have him back, but as the saying goes “Don’t cry because he is gone, smile because it happened.

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