The Way He looks at Me

the way he looks at me.

“You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”
Kathryn Stockett, The Help      

5:30 am, I still have half and hour before the alarm goes off. Regardless of how early it is, I feel well rested and at peace, which is weird because I have not woken up in my own home. I turn over expecting him to be asleep and there is, eyes wide open.

“Good morning beautiful.” He says with a smile. He wraps his arm around me and snuggles me closer against him. I bite down on my tongue just to make sure I’m not dreaming.

FUCK!, that hurt, and now I look like a total idiot. I should have just pinched myself instread. Wait did he just call me beautiful?!

I have never been the kind of person to think that I am ugly by any means. At the same time, I have never seen myself as sexy, gorgeous, let alone beautiful. Frankly, I’m your goofy, big hearted, approachable Average Joe. I remember though, how long it took me to even get me to think this way about myself. After “The Ex” left, the little self esteem that I had, had completely vanished. I blamed myself for everything that happened. I blamed myself for not being enough to make him look for more elsewhere. My biggest insecurity was if I wasn’t enough for a person who told me everyday that they loved me, then I couldn’t possibly be enough for anybody else.

I remember laughing when people would say, “Imma do/ focus on me.” when they were going though a break up. These people must be really dependent. It wasn’t until He left, that I realize that I had really let myself get lost and that I really did need to focus on myself. Relationships are all about working together as a team, compromising, fighting side by side. The dreams you had for yourself slowly start molding into ones that are to better you and your partner.  I had taught myself to be strong willed, independent, light hearted for two, and when I was suppose to fend for my own, I no longer knew how to function. I needed time to figure out what I needed, what I wanted, what I deserved. Above everything I needed to love myself.

2 Years, later, a lot of self doubt, a few guys who have taught me a lot, I lay in bed with this amazing man, who has turned my would upside down. This is a man who when he calls me beautiful, I honestly believe him. I no longer laugh when I am being called sexy or even beautiful because I feel like are saying complete bull$#!t. I have gotten the courage to let me love myself so He is able to. This man, looks at me and his smile is about the most memorizing thing I have ever seen, and he smiles because he is with me.

I know this is what most people call puppy love, or the honeymoon stage, but I know that the feeling that I get when he looks at me is real.

Until Next Time,                                                                                                                                                                               Your Geek In Chic