Ghosts of Exes Past

Dating  to me is a big mystery and honestly, it’s a lot of work that I am tired of putting in. You talk to someone for two weeks, you try your hardest to get to know more about this person, try to impress them, show them what you have to offer, and then all of a sudden you realize that it’s not going to workout. You cut ties and then when you bump into them, you awkwardly say hi, make conversation, and you say to yourself “Yup, I remember why it didn’t work.” Even though I don’t date much (mostly because I still have my wall up, and I’m more aware of what I want) I have learned a lot from the guys that I have dated. Most have been good experiences, relationships that I would never take back, except for one stinker.

The Seeker

Because I grew up in a small rural area and went to a high school that had 120 students, I didn’t date much there either. Fuck, I was the only gay student (or at least openly that people knew of). So my first relationship/experience was right after high school. Being 19, in a new city, and with Grindr not being  invented yet, I didn’t know any other gay guys, then there came my coworker. I hated him. He was rude and lazy, but my gosh he was beautiful. Little by little I got  to know him and eventually tricked him into giving me his number. I was curious, intrigued by this man who I saw could be loved so much. When we started dating I thought I was the happiest boy ever, but I was too blind to see that I was not in a healthy relationship. He was abusive. He never laid a hand on me, but his words were enough to take the air out of you. I swore that I would be the one to change him. Give him the love he was neglected when he was growing up. He was lost and confused about his sexuality, that made him mean and turn down the love I had for him. Needless to say, things ended. After dating him I swore to never try to change anyone, especially if they aren’t ready. After all, isn’t that the reason why you are with someone, because you love everything about them, the good, and the ugly?

My First Love

This guy, he rocked my world. I was so closed off, with walls higher then the Great Wall of China. And he is broke all of them. It took him time, but he got the job done. He taught me how to love unconditionally, how to live life without fears, to live with my best friend. I ended up getting cheated on by him, left alone so far away from home, yet I wouldn’t trade it for the world. The thing is, that if I was able to feel so loved by someone who didn’t love me and was the wrong kind of right… then holy shit, when I am truly loved, it’s going to be magical.  Talk about being cheesy right? I think about the way he looked at me like there was no one else in the room, the way he made me smile, and I tear up every single time. I miss him a lot, not as my boyfriend, or lover, but my best friend.

Our brake up also taught me many things. Like the fact that the One Man that I truly love, is our Heavenly Father. I was in such a bad state afterwards, I turned to Christian faith, which was all sorts of new stuff for me since I had grown up Catholic. I learned to love myself first before I could let someone else love me. That was mostly because I blamed myself for loosing him, and always questioned what I did wrong. Being by myself and enjoying the small things that once made me happy is what loving myself is all about.

The Older Gentleman

He was the first guy I liked after my relationship with my first love. No, he was not a rebound, for there was a long period of time between the two of them. He was older, in the process of getting the keys to his new house, his father was Pastor, educated, a total NERD at heart, he was everything I could ever want in a guy. My biggest surprise was when he introduced him to his mother within a month of dating him. I thought, third time is the charm. NOPE. Like every person though, he had skeletons in the closet. I will not mention those dark secrets, for those are for him to tell. We recently met up for coffee talked about pretty much about everything under the sun. He explained why he did some of the stuff he did and he genuinely apologized for them. That takes a lot of work and I apprciate him for that. He is an amazing guy and I wish him nothing but the best.

I live by the quote tattooed on my shoulder (Thank you Kelly Clarkson for being a huge inspiration in my life), Picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers. I learned with him that, no matter how much you water, and nurture your plants, some flowers aren’t meant to grow in your garden.

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The Young Soul

I had been friends with this particular guy since I can remember. There had always been flirting here and there but there was nothing really serious about it, or so I thought. Even before we started doing anything people always asked me if there was something going on between us, I of coarse denied it.

He has a boy friend.”

Are you crazy? He is just my friend

He just broke up with his boyfriend”,

Were only some of the excuses I used, and then we kissed. He lit up my world. He made me feel wanted and secure. Our relationship was seamless, everything felt so natural and flowed along with our lives, until one night when we were laying in bed he said something to me that made my wall go sky rocket again,

Don’t fall in love with me.”

Excuse me, what? Did I hear wrong? I knew he had just broken up with his boyfriend recently, but as I learned before, you can’t force the heart to feel or unfeel something if it’s not ready to. Later on I learned that he was still talking to his ex. Surprisingly, I wasn’t heart broken or upset when I found this out.

For One- I think my emotions from my last two relationships had caught up to me and he was finally my rebound guy. He made everything so fresh and exciting; he made me forget about all the other bull I had been through.

Two- When we first went into dating we said to each other that before anything, that we would be friends first. We had been friends for so long, and meant so much to each other that we weren’t going to let anything ruin that. I’m not going to lie, things were very awkward when we called it quits but thankfully, ‘til this day we have a very healthy friendship. I know that in any future relationship that I have,I want a friend first, loving someone for the person they are in a friendship oppose to how they are in the sack.

The truth is that we all have our own ghosts that haunt us. The dreams we once shared, laughs, tears. But though it all we remember the lessons, and because of those, we are who we are.

Your Geek In Chic,

Miguel