Words From my Mother

When I was little, I remember my mother sitting me down and telling me that you can’t force your heart to love someone, that love is something that happens and you can’t control. I didn’t know what she meant by it back then. I know now that she was only trying to warn me, prepare me for what I was to go through, or she knew when I was running around in shorts and cowboy boots that I was going to be special and different with a big heart. Okay… who am I kidding, she knew I was gay.

I am writing this letter to you in hopes that I can finally let go. I know you’ll never read this, I don’t know if I will ever see you again. But there is still so much left unsaid, so much that my heart is growing more heavy as days go on. I think about those words that my mom told me when I was younger, and I think about why you left. While we can’t choose who we love or choose to fall out of love with, we do choose to give you our hearts or not. Against all my fears, insecurities, walls, I gave you my heart. I gave you my life and soul, and little by little you managed to break them all.

Everything spins all the time, and I wonder if it’ll ever stop. When will these different voices inside my head stop feeding me these thoughts, that I know will only bring me down. Truth is I don’t know what to do, I have all these feelings and emotions, I wish someone, just one person could hear me.

I am angry because you once told me to trust you, that all you needed was time.  And when I did, you went to heal in the arms of another.

How could it have taken you only 2 days, after your last “I miss you” after your last “I love you” to be rolling in bed with some other guy?

I am angry at all the fake promises you made.

I laid there is the cold stones for you. Because you said that whenever I needed you, you would be there, but you weren’t. I had my best friend find me on the ground, I listened to your best friend and  tell me that it was going to be alright, and where the fuck were you? How am I supposed to build the shattered trust I once had for you. The one that we were supposed to fight for.

I hate you for being a coward and not facing me, like the man I once thought you were. In one way, I hope that the guilt is eating you up inside like maggots, to the very trash you are.

Everyday I have a war with myself, fighting back the urge to pick up the phone to call you and tell you I need you. I want you to come home.

I ask myself, how am I supposed to fight for something that doesn’t want to be fought for?

I think about what it would be like to be back together. And while it is everything I want, everything I need, I don’t know if I could.

 How do I go on when my head is telling me to hate you, because this is the only way you are going to get through this. But my heart is telling me “No, don’t give up. You aren’t supposed to give up on love.”

I am not going to lie, I still cry myself to sleep every once in a while. Look at what used to be your side of the bed and you laying there, whispering in your sleep that you love me. It hurts to know that I am not the one that is in your arms.

How do I erease these marks left behind by my tears?

What hurt the most was having my mother cry with me as I lay in the floor, and not knowing what to do to take away this pain. To make it all better with her love. She held me and told me the very words that she had told me once before, “You can’t force your heart to love someone.”

I have to let you go, For now I have to believe I have to trust myself that the sun will rise and I will be happy again.

bird