It’s two o’clock in the morning and I can’t sleep. In this situation, most people would be tossing and turning, counting sheep, and cursing at the wind to get some rest, I however have a smile on my face. I could sit here and tell you that the last few weeks for me have been the time of my life, that it has been a walk in the park and have enjoyed every minute of it, but I can’t because then I would be lying. With my sister’s sweet 15, leaving a job and getting settled in into a new one, making plans to go back to school, keeping up with friendships, maintaining a healthy relationship with my boyfriend, it’s been hard.
I look at Dom, (my boyfriend) as he lays happily asleep right next to me, and I ask myself, how in the world did I ever get here? Sure, I have always said that by the age of 25 I wanted to be settled down. With my own home, stable Well Paying job, boyfriend, talking about marriage or maybe even thinking about kids, But never in a million years, would I’ve actually think it was going to come true. You are looking at someone that hadn’t had a relationship in 3 years, who lives in a city where the word love or relationship isn’t cherished, especially in the gay community. And here he is, snoring silently, spread out, with no blankets ’cause it’s too hot. How could I be so lucky, how could I’ve almost let him go a couple of days ago?
Truth is, I am scared out of my mind. While he has been in multiple relationships, this is all so new to me. For as long as I can remember, besides friends and family it has always been me by myself, even when I had my last relationship. I haven’t had that person who really cared for me, accepted me for who and what I am. Who would hold me and tell me they love me… and acually mean it.That person that I can come home to everyday and know that there will always be a hug and a kiss when I get there. And when I think about all of those things, I freak out, panic and do what I know best, push. I have pushed him away so far to the point where he questions if I love him? And I know, it’s not fair. because he, as well as I deserve to feel wanted. But how do I, risk my heart getting hurt. When do I finally stop thinking that I am living a dream because he is too good to be true? When can I be stop being paranoid and thinking that the rug can get pulled right from under me at any second? My parents once said that faces come and go And while that may be true, I’m not ready to let him go.
This last week has been more hectic then I could ever want. But I wouldn’t take it back. Our relationship was tested. And while we completely bombed some aspects of our relationship, we didn’t fail, we don’t have to throw in the towel. We work, because no one ever said that it was ever going to be easy. I know I have the most work to do, and need let him in more regardless of my fears. After all, I want him to be my future. Trust me, I know that nothing is forever, but I also know that I will always try fighting ’till I reach it, one day at a time